Happy International Comment Day!

Bulletin: International Comment Day has already, by popular demand, been extended over the weekend. You may take Monday off, too, if you like.

[This is my custom-built table out in the shop/garage. I made it out of leftover 2x4s and my wife painted it bright Milwaukee red. It has four legs.]

Happy International Comment Day!

In honor of this sacred (and suspiciously recent) holiday, I present to you a four-part survival kit:

• Leg 1: How to tap buttons without breaking the internet

• Leg 2: How to actually comment like a pro

• Leg 3: How to banish trolls into the cornfield

• Leg 4: What this Substack is really all about.

You’ll enjoy these. And if you don’t… well, the Comment button is right there.

In fact there are three of them.

Button redundancy is a safety feature.

LEG 1 — THE FOGIE-PROOF GUIDE TO SUBSTACK

(Or: How to Tap Things Without Breaking the Internet)

Welcome to International Comment Day — the holiday you didn’t ask for but now must obey with dignity, enthusiasm, and possibly a heating pad.

Let’s decode the Substack buttons.

But first, a reminder of the First Principle of Fogiedom:

A fogie may call others fogies if — and only if — the targets fully qualify.

It’s a self-policing system.

It keeps the universe in balance.

COMMENT BUTTON — “The Digital Grunt”

• This is you talking at the bottom of the post.

• Everyone sees it.

• It starts conversations.

• Jim replies because he is committed… or easily entertained.

Both are true.

THE RULE OF INTERNATIONAL COMMENT DAY

On International Comment Day (today), it is mandatory.

You heard that correctly.

You must hit the Comment button and write something.

Anything.

Of course, I have no authority to tell you to do anything.

Doesn’t seem to stop others from bossing us around, however.

This is the first holiday in human history based on a button —

the button,

the whole button,

and nothing but the button.

So hit it.

Tap it.

Thump it.

Accidentally elbow it.

Just activate the sacred Comment Button and let the digital confetti rain down.

You may or may not notice a difference. I will.

Not Sure What to Say? Here Are Approved Examples:

A. “Hello.”

B. “Hi Jim.”

C. “You are correct in stating that commenting on your site is the least I can do to show my appreciation.”

D. “xyz”

E. “How do I get out of this chicken-shit outfit?”

F. “Testing… is this thing on?”

G. Any random impulse you have before the coffee wears off.

If you can type three words — or letters — congratulations — you qualify for International Comment Day.

MESSAGE JIM BUTTON — “The Bat-Signal”

This is the private, direct, not for public consumption button.

Jim sees it.

Bob does not see it (allegedly).

SHARE BUTTON — “You Just Did Marketing”

Here you toss the post into someone else’s inbox.

They either love you…

or assume you’re finally losing it.

LIKE BUTTON — “The Polite Nod of the Internet”

Tap the tiny heart.

It glows orange. Now we’re talkin’.

Think of Neil Diamond singing “Turn On Your Heartbeat” while wearing a sequined shirt he absolutely refuses to retire.

It feeds the algorithm.

It warms Jim’s soul.

And yes, Jim would love more Likes. But he also understands and respects the reticent, mature, and private nature of our audience.

He would say, “This is the only thing I care about,”

but a Canadian guy on YouTube already stole that line —

so Jim will just imply it.

REPOST BUTTON — “The Leaf-Blower of Attention”

Here is where you fling Jim’s post onto your own feed (Substack).

Your followers see it.

It feels good.

Bob approves.

And rest assured — there will be more leaves to blow tomorrow.

LEG 2 — THE INTERNATIONAL COMMENT DAY STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE

(For the Courageous, the Curious, and the Mildly Confused)

Step 1 — Open and read the story.

You’re doing it. Look at you go.

Step 2 — Scroll to the bottom.

Yes, all the way.

This isn’t a test, but if it were, most fogies would fail Step 2.

Step 3 — Find the Comment buttons.

There are three today.

They all do the same thing.

Absurdity is allowed under Article 7 of the International Comment Day Charter.

Step 4 — Hit the dang Comment button.

With enthusiasm.

With verve.

With the same energy you use when yelling at TV commercials or Democrats.

Step 5 — Type something.

We have already shown you some real-world examples. Use them as a guide or completely ignore. Your choice, as always.

Step 6 — Enjoy the back-and-forth.

Jim replies. Often with wit. Always with respect.

Your friends will be impressed by your new digital swagger.

Or not.

Doesn’t matter — you’re now a participant.

No more rueful, “I coulda been a contendah!”.

You are in the fight. Or at least exchanging pleasantries.

Closing Comments

So that is the first two legs of my International Comment Day celebration.

I’ve been waiting for this day ever since I woke up this morning and made it up on the spot.

If I made you laugh even one time during this article then you owe me a comment. Sorry, those are the rules on International Comment Day.

I don’t make the rules.

(Except I did. All of them. Today.)

I’ll send out the next two parts this weekend.

In the meantime, hit one of the comment buttons.

They should be directly below this sentence that I am typing right now.