Have You Ever Noticed How Every Month Has a Cause?

Have You Ever Noticed How Every Month Has a Cause?

By Jim Reynolds (after Cousin Andy)

Blurb:

A tribute to my cousin Andy Rooney — the original master of gentle outrage and common sense.

If Andy were still here, I think he’d have something to say about our growing obsession with “special months.”

Because when everything’s special, nothing is.

My cousin Andy Rooney used to say he didn’t like anything that was too organized. I think he’d hate how organized our months have become.

Somewhere along the way, we turned the calendar into a collage of causes — every square filled with awareness, every week a crusade. It’s the perfect modern racket: it costs nothing, demands nothing, and makes everyone feel virtuous.

If Andy were still around, this is probably how he’d put it:

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Have you ever noticed that every month is dedicated to something now?

I used to think months were just… months. You’d turn the page on the calendar, pay your bills, maybe rake the leaves. Now you’re supposed to raise awareness for thirty different things before the rent’s due.

January is apparently National Oatmeal Month. February is National Bird-Feeding Month. March is National Celery Month — which feels more like a punishment than a celebration. I checked — there’s even a National Tick Awareness Month. I’m aware of ticks. That’s why I stay inside.

It made me wonder — who decides this stuff?

Is there an office somewhere in Washington called the Department of Arbitrary Commemoration?Is there a Secretary of Months? Or maybe there’s just one very bored intern at Hallmark who keeps making things up.

Turns out, anyone can do it. You send a letter to the White House or Congress, and if nobody objects, poof — you’ve got yourself a National Month. It’s the only legislation that passes unanimously, because it doesn’t cost a dime and makes everyone feel like they’ve done something.

It’s government by greeting card.

See, naming a month doesn’t cost anybody anything. You don’t get a day off, there’s no parade, no budget, no accountability. It’s awareness on credit.

That’s how we ended up with National Pickle Month, National Welding Month, and something called Financial Literacy Month — which, ironically, nobody’s heard of.

It’s the perfect Washington trick: take a real problem — hunger, cancer, illiteracy — and declare victory with a proclamation. That way you can feel compassionate without spending a penny or lifting a finger. Just print the poster, smile for the photo, and move on to the next crisis.

The first one was Fire Prevention Week back in 1922. Then somebody said, “Why stop there?” and pretty soon we had National Dairy Month in 1937. The floodgates opened. Now we’ve got more causes than cows.

We started with noble intentions — safety, education, health. But somewhere between National Lung Month and National Lasagna Awareness Week, we lost our way.

I saw one calendar that listed National Selfie Day, National Talk Like a Pirate Day, and something called International Axolotl Week.

I don’t even know what an Axolotl is, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t pay taxes.

At this rate, we’ll have to start doubling up. March can be both Colon Cancer Awareness Month and National Potato Appreciation Month. Maybe they can share a ribbon.

So I’ve decided to declare my own month. I’m calling it National Common Sense Month.

No ribbons, no hashtags, and definitely no celebrity endorsements. Just thirty days where people think before they talk, read before they tweet, and change their oil before it turns to tar.

I’d ask Congress to approve it, but they’d probably form a committee and declare National Committee Month instead.

You know, I used to think time flew because I was getting older.

Now I realize it’s just overscheduled.

Every month, every week, every day — somebody’s raising awareness about something. Maybe the best thing we could do for the country is take one month off.

No awareness, no causes, no campaigns. Just live like we mean it.

I’d call it America Month.

But then again, somebody would probably find that offensive.

Bob: “Andy, I am humbled. But I’m still holding out for National Shut Up and Work Week.”